every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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