Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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