the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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