That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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