I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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