I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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