if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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