I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
