listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Randomize
