apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
