just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
