I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
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