In the future we'll all be gay
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
You have to summon your inner elephant
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
