I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
