Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
