Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
her facebook's as public as her vagina
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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