Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
