Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
