my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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