i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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