i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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