Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
