Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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