My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
