Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
