Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
