so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Randomize