no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
