my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
