Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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