You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
