You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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