I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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