Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize