There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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