I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
