I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
