I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
