Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
