come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
