My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
