He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
How external is "for external use only"?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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