so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Randomize
