all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
BRING THE BAGELS
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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