I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
