Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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