whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
