Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize