i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
