Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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