do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
