The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize