I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
