I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
