I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
