I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
You can't just leave with hair like that
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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