did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
