Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
