sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
