i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Send help, water and tortillas.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
