Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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