my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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