I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
