I just cut my nipple shaving
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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