we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
