never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
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