Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize