Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
