I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I want to be your penis for a week.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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