just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
