drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
