Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
