After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
